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IT’S
OK TO EXPRESS GRIEF
As a society we’re not very good at accepting
expressions of grief. People may tell you not to upset
yourself. But it is far more healthy to express what
you feel (e.g. through weeping) than to bottle up your
emotions. It’s true that a small minority of people go
to excess in expressing grief but most bereaved people
don’t.
People may expect you to be over your deep sense of
grief quite quickly. But grief can last many months.
It’s OK (within reason) if you wish:
-
to speak to anyone who will listen about your loved
one
-
to visit places you used to go to with your loved
one (so long as it doesn’t go on for years)
-
to tell anyone who will listen if you feel
depressed
-
to have photos or mementoes of your loved one on
show
THE POSSIBLE STAGES OF GRIEF
Coming to terms with bereavement is a lengthy process
and often includes various stages. These stages do not
happen in a neat and orderly fashion. You may not
experience some of them at all. More than one may
happen at the same time. Or you may switch backwards and
forwards between them. If you don’t understand this is
normal it can be quite confusing and frightening. If
you experience them, it is quite normal.
There can be various physical signs of bereavement, e.g.
migraine headaches, stomach pains, sweaty palms, feeling
you’re “falling apart/coming unstuck”. At times there
may be tightness in the throat or a choking feeling or a
need to sigh. Your sleep pattern may alter. You may lose
your appetite. You might find you are unable to sit
still or concentrate.
You may feel exhausted simply coping. Or you may be
fearful about things which never worried you in the
past..
The following stages can take place in coming to terms
with bereavement:
1. DENIAL: You can’t believe your loved one
has died. You keep thinking you will see them or hear
from them and that they’re not really dead. Everything
seems unreal and remote. You feel lonely and numb. The
funeral, although painful, may help to make the death
real. This needs to happen before you can start to come
to terms with bereavement.
2. ANGER: You may find you are angry with
God, with the doctors, with the hospital or other
people. You might even be angry with your deceased
loved one. This happens even to people who have been
happily married. Tell God about your anger, including
if you feel angry towards him. Tell a trusted friend who
is prepared to listen.
3. BARGAINING: For example, making promises
to God in order to try to avoid the pain of grief
4. DEPRESSION: You reflect on what could have
been. Everything might seem pointless and hopeless.
You feel apathetic. Life is empty. You may feel
irrationally guilty and exaggerate memories of ways you
think you failed your loved one. Sometimes you will feel
others are avoiding you or don’t want to talk about your
bereavement. You may even lose the will to live. Talk
to a trusted friend who is prepared to listen. Talk to
God about it.
5. ACCEPTANCE: You will eventually reach the
point where you are able to “let go” of deceased: to
commit them to God. At this stage you can begin to live
your own life however different it is from life as it
was or would have been with your loved one. You make the
choices not your deceased loved one.
All these reactions are normal at the time, but they
will pass and you will find yourself gradually beginning
a new chapter of life.
Fear may also be a problem: fear of loneliness; fear of
not being able to cope with practical jobs, finances,
moving house; fear of death. See below for the help
which is readily available from The Church in the
Woottons and
other agencies.
PRACTICAL GUIDELINES
Look after yourself
-
Try to eat nourishing meals in spite of any lack of
appetite
-
Try to rest even if you find it difficult to sleep
(a hot bath and milk drink could help)
-
Try to look after your appearance
-
Try to get some fresh air and exercise
-
Contact your doctor if you’re concerned about your
health
-
You’re allowed to spoil yourself a little!
Avoid hasty decisions
-
Try not to allow people to rush you into decisions
until you’re ready (e.g. parting with your loved
one’s belongings)
-
Try not to move house whilst you’re still in a state
of grief
-
Try to take each day as it comes – one at a time
-
Try to deal with problems which arise rather than
leave them until a later time
-
Don’t make any financial agreement you don’t
understand
Maintain
your relationships
-
Write to friends and relatives
-
Arrange to visit friends, maybe staying overnight
-
Invite friends for coffee or tea
-
Look for people you can help, e.g. lonely or
bereaved people.
-
Perhaps you could baby-sit for a young couple
-
You’re very welcome to join the church which is a
friendly family and has informal groups you could be
involved in.
-
Then there are adult education classes and other
local groups.
-
On a different level, a pet can be a good companion.
Plan
things you can look forward to
-
In addition to some of the things mentioned in the
previous section you could
-
Try to ensure you always plan some pleasant event
during the next month
-
Think about planning a holiday
HELP IS AVAILABLE
Help in Coping with Bereavement
The Church in the Woottons is always available to help:
Remember God is always with you. You can pray to him 24
hours a day.
You could put in a prayer request
If you have a special prayer request complete one of the
Prayer Request Slips in the board to the left at the
back of St Mary’s, South Wootton or near the pulpit in
All Saints, North Wootton and we will pray for it Communion. Your request can
be anonymous if you wish. The church is normally open
9.00am-5.00pm, Monday to Friday.
Help with Wills or Probate
If your loved one left a will the executors should deal
with it. Executors can get advice from the Citizen’s
Advice Bureau.
If your loved one did not leave a will then you must
apply to the Probate Registry. Again the Citizens Advice
Bureau will advise.
You may also consult a solicitor but this tends to be
expensive. It is important to get an estimate of the
likely cost before you do so. Ensure you have all the
relevant documents with you and have written down all
your questions before seeing the solicitor in order to
save time and therefore costs. The Citizens Advice
Bureau will advise you on the Legal Aid Scheme to enable
those on low incomes to get legal help. |
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